"It means that if you live untill you are 90 you are middle aged now". We talked about my up-coming birthday in March.
It was not a dinner conversation but an intimate moment between man and woman. I didn't laugh appropriately, I pondered on the words, honestly surprised that he was right and that I would be lucky to live that long. I'm more likely more than middle aged. Untill that moment age has been a question I asked in front of the mirror. Can it really be that the lines from the eyes to the cheekbones are mine? They get visible here in the West Indies because of the tan. So I look at them once in a while and ask. Not to find answers but to perceive.
In a month or so, I'll turn middle aged...45.
My 10 years birthday is clear in my head, being 10. It was an achievement. Because when I turned 10 I remembered being unable to imagine getting that far. I didn't feel 10, I felt more 20 than the 20 years old. And being five was decades ago.
Later I became a mother. During the first pregnancy I could picture a child at 5, not more than that. Today she is a young woman at 20. When she was 14, I stopped counting.
These are some of the things I know and they don't mean a thing.
I'm 41. Since I turned 35 I have been asking myself in very private conversations whether I was middle aged or not. Would I make it to 70? 80? 82? I think 92 sounds good for me, so I got 5 more years until middle. Of course tomorrow the gig could be up and I missed my middle age in my roaring 20's. I try not to be sentimental, but I can't help it.
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